Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the day after is always just damage control
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
