I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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