yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
