Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Let's paint friendship bongs
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
