There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
