I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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