She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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