Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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