I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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