Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
