while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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