i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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