So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
