I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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