i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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