I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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