I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This is my gift to your gina
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
