dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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