i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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