No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize