just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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