I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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