i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
