I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
