I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
