put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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