Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
