omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize