ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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