need another drink. this is the easiest way
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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