Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
