Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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