hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
