stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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