im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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