two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
