mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
