Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
