sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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