i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
