He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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