EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
