The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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