it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
