If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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