We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
