When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
