oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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