In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
