So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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