I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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