So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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