I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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