The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
