Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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