I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We need a shit load of segways right now
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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