you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
