I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
