I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize