she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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