He kissed a someone with a penis
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
