You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
