i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
