I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
