I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
