her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
