I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
